Love #3: Unlearning Objectification

Around this time last year, I was at a bar with a friend when she introduced me to one of her friends, whom I found completely and stunningly gorgeous. He had a monogamous boyfriend, so I knew he was off limits, and as ridiculous as it may sound, I felt almost offended by how attractive he was (the song So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings came to mind 😛). The feeling was immediate and visceral, as if I had been punched in the gut; I later drunkenly acted out the violence of it by pretending to hurl my glass on the ground and repeatedly miming as though being punched in the gut (not overdramatic at all!).

My desire punching me in the gut

The next week, when I was going to go to the same bar with the same friend and see her offensively beautiful friend again, I decided to do a meditation beforehand to prepare myself for the experience. The first practice I did was to imagine the beautiful guy and offer him loving-kindness phrases: may you be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease. I often try to visualize the person who is my recipient of loving-kindness doing various things in their life as I offer each phrase: may you be safe - I imagine them safely in the comfort of their own home, reading on the couch; may you be happy - I imagine them smiling and laughing with friends or family; may you be healthy - I imagine them eating well or exercising; may you live with ease - I imagine them doing any kind of normal activity with contentment. Sometimes I will imagine the opposite - imagine them stressed out, upset, or lonely. This may seem sadistic (😈), but I find that, for me, it both helps ignite compassion as well as bring a more embodied feeling to the well-wishes of the phrases; I realize how much I really do wish for them to be happy as I imagine them feeling unhappy, I realize how much I really do wish for them to live with ease as I imagine them stressed out or upset by something a boss has done.

In addition to cultivating kindness toward another human, there is another less obvious but perhaps even more powerful effect of this visualization-style meditation for me: to re-humanize the person. I have identified with my therapist several tendencies I have toward objectification of others. This was not surprising to me in a sexual context - I’m pretty aware that my sexual desire is based on a premise of objectification of the other person, and it’s something I’m working on. You’ll notice that even when I described my reaction to the beautiful guy, I felt personally offended by how hot he was; I felt indignant that he was off-limits to me. There’s a lot implied in these kinds of feelings, a lot that I’m not proud of. I blame it on toxic masculinity and socialization, but as valid as that may be, they’re still things I want to and believe I ought to work on - a sense of entitlement (I should be able to have anyone I’m attracted to), a sense of possessiveness (I want to obtain and possess this person’s sexual favors), a sense of jealousy (why does his boyfriend get him but I can’t?).

These mindsets are reinforced every time I think of a man in a purely sexual way, as a sexual object I want to possess. In those moments, I imagine him only insofar as he might provide me with sexual pleasure or validation - I imagine us flirting, I imagine how great I would feel knowing that he was attracted to me, I imagine us having sex. Although the touch of his physical flesh may make me burn with desire, I don’t imagine him as a fully fleshed-out human being - he is just an object there to provide me with pleasure, excitement, and validation.

This is why doing a loving-kindness practice where I re-flesh out this flat, objectified version of him is extremely beneficial. Imagining him in tender moments - talking on the phone with his mother, perhaps, or comforting an upset sibling - or in vulnerable moments - feeling stressed out about something at work or angry at something he can’t control - help me truly embody the knowledge that he is also a complex person with needs, desires, and fears, and not just a flesh-bag I can use for my own sexual pleasure (sorry not sorry for that gross but apt image).

A lot of this probably sounds harsh. A lot of this, if you were not socialized with toxic masculinity, probably sounds heinous and appalling. If you met me, you might be surprised that I could feel such reprehensible and dehumanizing things (I probably come off as uptight, cold, and a bit naive or prudish, not a viscerally-burning sex-demon 😈). But, in fact, one of the great boons of both therapy and mindfulness for me has been to help me see the conditions and social forces that have affected who I am. It is empowering to realize they’re there but also realize that 1) I didn’t invite them in and don’t have to identify with them and 2) I can actively work to undo them and cultivate more beneficial habits of mind.

Me as a desperate sex demon

And that is really the goal of modern Buddhist-inspired mindfulness practice, isn’t it? Use mindfulness to become aware of unseen forces shaping you and disassociate from them, and use loving-kindness to cultivate alternative, more beneficial thought/behavior patterns. Long story short, the meditation worked, and I was able to hang out with the guy in question without feeling too perturbed. I still felt the visceral reaction to how attractive he was, but when thoughts like, “It’s not fair that his boyfriend gets to have him and I can’t” came up, I would try to counter them with, “It’s OK to feel like I wish I could have attention from a man, but that shouldn’t prevent me from also being able to genuinely wish the best for these two men. Their happiness doesn’t prevent my own. They are fully fleshed-out people just like me and I am capable of earnestly wishing them the best.”

The feelings of injustice and entitlement didn’t go away that night, but they also didn’t completely dominate my interactions with my friend’s friend. And, perhaps, with more practice and more time, they will go away, or return with only a faint glimmer of their original potency, like someone tickling my gut rather than punching it. The progress seems slow, but hey, THAT’S THE PRACTICE!